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You may feel self aware, but until you develop a meaningful sense of self understanding, you aren’t seeing the whole picture.

Here is a fun idea, let’s take a conflict management course!

– No one ever

Conflict is a reality in life and consequently in the workplace, but none of us likes to think about it, let alone spend our energy managing it. But conflict is important in the workplace (and in life). Conflict is a sign that people are thinking differently from one another and there is probably no more important factor for business success than to encourage independent thought.

The business world is filled with advice and material to study on conflict management, but we don’t want to Manage conflict, we want to Resolve it!

Of course there is healthy conflict and unproductive conflict. As a leader your goal is to encourage productive conflict and resolution, and to prevent healthy conflict from becoming unproductive. Nothing causes conflict to grow faster than a lack of resolution, perceived or real. And don’t confuse a decision with a resolution. Many conflicts seem like low hanging fruit where a simple choice between A and B is all that is required. Conflicting parties may even come to the leader and ask them to choose, but tread cautiously here. This is the time to ask questions, not the time to express opinions. If two or more trusted people have differing opinions, your job is to understand the root of each position, to uncover alignment with corporate values and goals, and most importantly to help them understand one another. The goal is not to have everyone get what they want, but when a path is chosen, everyone should understand why and no one feels like their opinion was not valued.

Authentic communication is the key to conflict resolution, and it requires trust. As we have written before, Trust is the foundation of all successful relationships and it is an emotional response, not a logical one. You will build trust within your team by demonstrating positive behavior in moments of conflict.

• Do:
  • Listen
  • Encourage all parties to explain the basis of their position
  • Ask open ended questions to reveal more
  • Allow statements of truth without judgement
  • Look past the immediate conflict for deeper issues
  • Ask for solutions and options
  • Search for alignment with company values and goals
  • Notice your own bias and understand where it comes from
  • Recognize and communicate the consequences of any agreement
• Don’t:
  • Act as judge unless unavoidable
  • Meet with individual parties alone (triangulate)
  • Allow statements that Judge, Blame or Attack
  • Hope it will work itself out
  • Forget to follow-up

You need high levels of empathy to effectively facilitate conflict resolution. You may need help with your own self awareness and understanding before you can allow yourself to fully appreciate the opinions and positions of others that are different from yours.

or… Getting Your “But” Out of Your Head

I see the revenue projections you have made, but they aren’t correct because you didn’t account for lost sales due to higher tariffs.

I see the revenue projections you have made and I would like to know how you have accounted for the current trade environment and higher tariffs.

So which of these two statements demonstrates confidence in your team and instills in them a sense of accountability and ownership? The first response is a judgment. You assume (possibly correctly) that something was missed and demonstrate your superior ability by pointing it out. The second response is inquisitive and non judgmental. You may think the team missed something, but instead of pointing it out you ask open ended questions to get them to share their process or to come to the realization on their own that they missed something in their analysis.

In virtually every situation in life when responding to others, we would be better off replacing “but” with “and”. And is inclusive. But is divisive.

Let’s say you ask your team to give ideas on cost savings. We all know that we aren’t supposed to judge ideas, but how often are we guilty of a response like this:

Yes, we can reduce the number of available colors to cut costs, but we will probably lose customers as a result.

Whoever put out that idea just shut down. What happens if we respond like this instead?

Yes, we can reduce the number of available colors to cut costs, and we might lose customers. Could we do some market research to help us understand what impact that might have on sales and see if this is a reasonable trade-off?

How about in our personal life? Tell me, how do you feel when you hear this:

Yes we agreed, but that was before…

Hmmm. I don’t know about you but those words put me in defense mode, already formulating my counter argument. Let’s try this instead:

Yes we agreed, and now that we have new information, can we explore options?

I might not want to spend time exploring more options, but I’m a lot more willing to listen.

You can get “but” out of your vocabulary (mostly). This is not easy, and it’s OK to slip. When you feel it bubbling up, or even when it comes out, think to yourself “how can I make this statement inclusive?” or “Can I ask an open ended question to move the conversation in a way that addresses my concerns?” Using positive and inclusive language will keep others engaged, and assure that you get the most value out of your interactions with others.

I read a post today by Dan Pedersen from Living With Confidence about “Living Boldly” and I thought Dan made some thoughtful and powerful points about being bold vs being foolish, and about what it means to live boldly.

But how do we do it? How do we push aside “false fear”? How do we even recognize it?

The roots of false fear lie in our experiences, in the stories told through the generations, and even in our DNA. They will grip us when we are vulnerable, in times of crisis. They will scream inside our head “I’ve kept you safe your entire life, you can’t abandon me now!” They will pump us full of chemicals that oblige us to obey. They are an 800 pound gorilla and we cannot simply ignore them. This is as true regarding a fear of making decisions as it is for a fear of heights.

The only way to defeat them is to shine a light on them. To Explore and Discover their foundations, and to recognize the triggers that bring them to the surface. We must develop a deep understanding of ourselves. Only then can we answer that voice “Not this time. This time I choose a new way for a new outcome”.

Most people need help with this process. Observing our own behavior and objectively assessing it is extraordinarily difficult. Loved ones are not likely to tell us the hard truths (or we won’t be able to hear them) until we have already collapsed under the weight. A mentor or a coach can often help us with this discovery. If the fears are strong enough and the roots are deep and painful enough, a mental health professional may be warranted.

When we learn to LIVE boldly, we have the opportunity to LEAD boldly. We will inspire confidence in others and help them face the unknown with authenticity and without false bravado.

Imagine… The conflict that would exist in a workplace where leaders and employees come to work burdened with not just the weight of the day, but carrying the weight of their entire life and even that of their ancestors.

Imagine… An executive who creates division by pitting others against one another for her own gain. The same way she played her divorced parents against one another.

Imagine… A co-worker  who wants everyone to be happy and to avoid conflict by telling everyone what they want to hear. A past so racked by conflict all he wants is peace.

Imagine… A manager who invokes fear in others simply by walking into the room, who ‘bullies’ with spoken and unspoken language. A toughness he learned when he became the ‘parent’ in his childhood, just like his father had before him.

Most of us don’t need much imagination. We can recognize these and many other destructive behaviors in those around us even if we don’t understand the origin. We may even recognize destructive behaviours in ourselves, but we can’t find a way out.

We Observe, but we don’t yet Understand. Until we understand, we cannot Transform.

Deilen development is a world class leadership training organization that shows leaders how to Observe these behaviors in themselves and others, to Understand where they are rooted and how they are triggered, and to Transform them into constructive alternatives.

Another important pillar of employee engagement is Trust. Trust is defined as “firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone”, but what is it, really? Trust is an emotional response, not a logical one. Trust cannot be quantified, and is very difficult to measure, yet it is the foundation of all successful relationships.

Trust can be as difficult to build as the Great Pyramids, and easier to lose than a sock in a dryer. Years ago I worked with a project manager who kept “Attaboy” cards that he would occasionally hand out when he caught you doing something right. The text on these cards perfectly summarized the fragile nature of trust:

For your OUTSTANDING Performance you are awarded “ONE ATTABOY”

One thousand “ATTABOYS” qualifies you to be a leader of men, work overtime with a smile, explain assorted problems, and be looked upon as a local hero!

NOTE: One “AWSHIT” wipes the board clean and you have to start all over again!”

We trust people, not abstractions like “the company” (Belief in abstractions is faith, not trust). Trust in the company is purely driven by how the leaders act and behave versus what they say. Trust is cultivated when leaders “walk the talk” and the actions of the organization are easily reconciled with the words. In the last post I wrote about Clarity, and how it connects the messages of the organization to the actions of the individuals, yet regardless of how much clarity is provided, people will not engage if they don’t trust those delivering the message.

• Trust is built when leaders act on feedback, and destroyed when they do not.
• Trust requires sharing success AND sharing pain. 
• Trust is about leadership demonstrating a sense of control and not acting in a way contrary to stated principals because they “didn’t have any choice.”